The moment I really fall in love

Love, how it feels, seriously, no one can interpret the feelings because it's so different from others. For me, it started when I can't start staring at him, smiling stupidly, remembers his stupid behaviors.
But, how I fall in love?

I fall in love when the person starts knowing my existence, he always roots up for me, teasing me, and yeah that kind, I love the naughty style I guess? Hahahahha

But, here the bad news, I end up always falling in love with the closest male friend, which I shouldn't do and in the end, we are really somewhat strangers and I still remember beautiful and bad memories when I love him so bad. People may call that is a stupid monkey love, but they never know how I feel inside that I really love him that I want to compete to be the best in everything....

But, little did I know, he never thinks me as a special person to him, maybe because I am fat, ugly, with a lot of pimples, yeah, to be honest, I cried over 2 days to take the courage, that's the moment I really know what is a heartbroken means. I never cry that bad.

I hate you, I love you - Olivia O'Brien

Yes, this song describes how I feel today, I do contact him before for forgive but you know how women heart works, it just can't be healed. Now, I am scared to know any guys and even hoping to be mine. Ever since then, my confidence in my physical appearance is so low. Well, he never said that I'm ugly such that but that's how I think back when I was in high school. So, somehow I am not blaming on him because I do know I am too obvious at expressing my feelings when I really love a person. I being obsessive. That's harmful to me.

I believe that God made us know each other so that we learn from it. I don't close my heart to anyone, it just I don't find somebody can make me happy as what he did. Tbh, He is a very good friend.
It just we destined to be strangers after knowing for years. But, rather that's better or I might fall for twice.

I learned my lesson. I learn to not be obsessive for a person. And, I should just enjoy my life.